Stupid Queries: Yardsticks!
Hello, and welcome to the forty-first installment of NotWriting.com, an open journal on how one writer spends his time when he really should be writing.
Inspired by the humorous books of letters by Lazlo Toth and the Letters from a Nut series by Ted L. Nancy (a.k.a. Jerry Seinfeld), a few months ago I got the idea to write ridiculous query letters to magazines——just to see what would happen.
The first one I sent out, "Yardsticks: They're Not Just for Breakfast Anymore," appears below. I emailed it to three magazines. For your amusement, I have included the cogent replies of the two periodicals that responded.
The eternal yardstick question—wood or metal?—which type should one use for tenderizing meats?
Dear Editor:
Millions of Americans have them, yet they are kept in closets and used only occasionally for the mundane tasks of measuring or drawing straight lines.
Yes, I'm talking about the yardstick. This handy tool, which dates back to the Egyptian period, is grossly underused and underappreciated.
I have written a 17,000-word piece on this precious instrument, tentatively titled, “Yardsticks: They're Not Just for Breakfast Anymore.”
In this detailed and informative article, I explore the following topics and alternative uses for these ½-fathom, flat pole things:
- The physics of yardsticks, with quotes from leading quantum physicists.
- Yardsticks as makeshift car jacks.
- Wood or metal?—Which to use when tenderizing meats.
- The Yardstick Home Gym: 200 exercises.
- How to use your yardstick as an emergency splint.
- Delivering effective beatings with a yardstick.
- Yardstick baseball—indoors and safe for the whole family!
I have been published in The New York Times, The New Yorker, and The Paris Review. My book, Rio Grande Revenge: One U.S. Border Patrol Officer Speaks Out, was nominated for a Pulitzer.
May I send you the completed manuscript? If not, how about a banana?
I anxiously await your response with a loaded high-powered rifle.
Sincerely,
Bobby Wawa
To save money on postage and to ensure the quickest responses possible, I emailed the query to my three magazines of choice: Scientific American (Online), Omni, and Men's Health. Strangely, I never heard back from the folks at Omni, but here's what ole' SCIAM had to say:
Dear Mr. Wawa:
Thank you for your recent query regarding a proposed article on yardsticks. After careful consideration of your proposal, the Editorial Staff has concluded that such a piece does not fit our needs at this time.
While your idea shows some originality, ours is not the ideal venue for it. May I suggest another publication, perhaps Smithsonian or a men's magazine with a "hipper" audience, like FHM?
As a final note, Mr. Wawa, we are unable to find any publishing credits in your name. If you choose to query our magazine further, we insist that all authors accurately disclose their credits and relevant academic background.
Best wishes in placing your work elsewhere.
Sincerely,
Loren Logson
Assistant Editor
Scientific American Digital
15 Madison Ave.
New York, NY 10017
The response from Men's Health, although terse, was surprisingly ballsy. I sent them the query just to annoy them because a friend had given me a gift subscription about 10 years ago, and the bastards refused to go away. I figured I owed them at least five minutes worth of irritation. But, as you'll see, they shot right back. Anyway, here's their reply:
Dear Mr. Wawa:
We have read your email query on yardsticks and are sorry to report that not only can't we use it, but also that it is a horrible idea.
Frankly, sir—Mr. Wawa—if that is your real name (we get hundreds of fake queries each month)—in my 24 years as an editor, I have never read such a stupid and unfunny idea. That you selfishly wasted my and other editors' time on this rubbish is disgusting.
Furthermore, the subject wasn't even remotely relevant to the subject matter of our magazine. This publication is about mens' lifestyles, and the only use our readers (the blessed ones at least) have for yardsticks is measuring things. I think you know what things I am talking about.
Please do not contact us again.
Yours,
William McCourt
Managing Editor
Men's Health Online
733 Third Avenue, 15th Floor
New York, NY 10017
Stick around——my next query is about the money-saving trend in health-care: at-home, do-it-yourself operations.