Jobs We Hate: Retail
Hello, and welcome to the fortieth installment of NotWriting.com, an open journal on how one writer spends his time when he really should be writing.
Recently one a reader wrote to me about my entry, "The Drawer Method," in which she said, "Hey, thanks for the drawer graphic. How on earth would I have gotten the point without it?"
Because I don't take myself too seriously, I appreciated her impish sarcasm and invited her to write something to vent her homicidal anger before it was too late.
Anyone who has worked in retail sales will recognize the truth in the little piece you're about to read. I worked in two retail jobs when I was younger—Jordan Marsh and Radio Shack—and when I read the following piece, those horrible memories of retail all came back to me: the weekend hours, the lies, the scorched coffee, the haughty customers, the haughtier managers, the creepy echo of your shoes in a mall after-hours, and the dirty store bathrooms. I cringed at my memories and had a couple belts of Old Granddad.
The author's name is Amanda Sage Barnum and she's starting a webzine soon called Stranger Box. She's taking submissions now. Hopefully you'll pay her a visit.
Retail Requirements
by Sage
Requirements for adults who wish to work in a retail or customer service position for a major corporation:
1) A strong need to be underappreciated and bullied by customers and supervisors alike. You must view yourself as a saintly martyr and be allergic to any and all forms of recognition of your individual accomplishments. It is best if, when you are complimented or encouraged to seek a more rewarding position, ghastly hives appear on all regions of exposed skin on your body. Naturally, you must apologize immediately for this unsightly display.
2) Lack of any notably unique individual traits. Examples include talents outside of the requirements of your position; political views of any kind; liking some people more than others; having moods; displaying any style of interaction other than "pleasant"; having an IQ significantly above or below average; speaking or acting in a manner that any Customer or Supervisor might characterize as overly "ethnic."
3) Willingness to follow directions from any and all superiors who may give them, especially if such directions strongly contradict other instructions you received during previous shifts.
4) Consistent tolerance for a wide range of Customer behavior, including but not limited to, the following: temper tantrums; positive or negative feedback on your physical appearance; blatant shoplifting (in such instances you are expected to act as if you see nothing unusual and later beg the management for forgiveness when they blame you for lost profits); repeatedly asking inane, irrelevant or linguistically nonsensical questions; and, of course, assault.
5) Consistent tolerance for a wide range of Supervisor behavior, including, but not limited to, all examples mentioned in number 4.
undergone company hypnosis to learn the above rules.
If you are interested in a career in retail sales, you're in luck; the Occupational Outlook Handbook predicts a strong future need for martyrs.
To continue this "Jobs We Hate" series, please send me your own account of a job you had that you hated. If you've never had a job, imagine what it would be like to have one you didn't like and then write about it.